The Foreigners Guide to Surviving in Berlin

Germany is a big place. Over 80,000,000 humans live within its borders. Its capital is called Berlin. All of these things are true. But what you might not know is that Berlin is an undiscovered jungle of aged beauty. I'm a foreigner myself and for the post few months I've managed to survive the day-to-day life of this city's ugly charm, getting from A to B with all my body parts still intact. Rated 6th best city in the world, Berlin has a lot more to offer than some outdated Nazi stuff and a shitty wall; rather a thrawling urban graffiti scene and a variety of architecture that puts the "God-awful" in Eastern Bloc. Think you're up for it? Then here's your guide to living and surviving in the Hauptstadt.


Food

If you didn't use Google translater at the end of the first paragraph then you're already one step closer to becoming a Berliner. What you will need is something to eat, however. Finding that in Berlin isn't a problem. Berliners - along with the rest of Germany - typically enjoy sausage, and to be more specific, the speciality of the dodgy-looking takeaway is Currywurst (curry sausage).

Somewhere in this "mess" there's a sausage. Somewhere.

Imagine cutting a finely cooked sausage into several bite-sized pieces, smashing a bottle of Heinz ketchup over it and then dropping a jar of curry powder for the finale. Voila! Although it looks like the burst nose of a flu sufferer, Currywurst is definitely a tasty treat and only mildly spicy. It can be bought for the little price of 1€ upwards making it cheaper than most fast food alternatives. As mentioned, it can be found an almost any street corner or tourist spot. Head over to Alexanderplatz or U-Bahnhof Gesundbrunnen if you're looking to break your Wurstginity. Alternatively, if you find yourself with a wod of cash in your hand, the restaurants by S-Bahnhof Hackescher Markt claim to have "the best Currywurst in the city." I'm not convinced though.

If that's not your thing, finding a fastfood alternative isn't hard at all. There's probably enough Burger King and McDonalds branches in this city to sink a battleship. In almost any main area or mall you'll find one waiting for you to eat its yummy chemicalised food. It is, however, a little more expensive so don't be surprised when a drink and large fries set you back 4,58€ (I'm not even kidding, I have the receipt). When you're looking to wine and dine, head over to Charlottenburg or Friedrichstraße for an endless variety of dining scenes and tastes. Just to the make the experience more realistic, ask the waiters to wear a stripped, black and white jumper and black beanie so you feel genuinely robbed once you see the end receipt. Just enjoy the experience. After all: you're on vacation!

Public Transport/Getting Around

Cars and Berlin go together like chalk and cheese. If you're sat thinking "I'll take the car so we can drive around" then I suggest you go to your car and hit it repeatedly until it looks like the winning team's machine on Scrapheap Challenge. Berlin offers a tram (Metro), an underground (U-Bahn), an overground (S-Bahn) and a bus system so punctual that running awkwardly for a missed bus will be a thing of the past. There are stations for each of these at almost every main area (including both airports) so you can't go wrong when deciding which method of transport is the most efficient.

For a split second, due to the speed, you enter a second universe.

The most important thing however is to buy yourself a ticket! The state of Berlin makes a killing out of confused tourists who are travelling on public transport with an invalid ticket or those with absolutely no ticket whatsoever. It's known as Schwarzfahren ("travelling black") and it will find you walking back to your hotel room with a hefty 40€ fine. Head to the stations to find the official white and yellow BVG ticket machines which are valid for all public transport. Select the Berlin AB area (this covers the inner and outer city), the duration of how long you want to use it and finally pay the required amount. Never buy a ticket from anyone else other than the machine. It's shit to be sat on your train looking for the guards. As a famous man once said: "Like a mosquito in a urinal, I'm gonna have to keep on my toes."

If you're wondering why you just stepped into a 1940s film scene of Berlin, don't worry. The day-to-day life of Berlin allows you to ride those old, European-style bicycles without the embarrassment! You can get them at most tourist spots for 10€ per day, give or take. Be careful, however: bike no like car. Car hit bike. You ouch! Seriously, you see more cyclists on car bonnets than on their Raleighs. Please be careful.

Walking, a dying discovery, is also a healthy method which will allow you to take in the fresh, polluted air and dodgy drainage systems. It is a perfectly reasonable of finding the small shops and cafés, which the endless tour busses seem to miss, especially in areas such as Kreuzberg or Schönhauser Allee.

People/Language

Yes, this really did happen.

When Kennedy said "Ich bin ein Berliner" he obviously didn't know what type of pool he was dipping his toe into. The population of the city consists of more varities than a party bag of Reveals - even those icky coffee ones. If you're not shuffling around punks with rats running around their shoulders then you're bound to be stood behind the strange bloke with a Noel Edmonds shirt and the tightest leather pants seen on Earth since Kiss were still considered young. Friendly, "green" and individual describes the people. Although they keep to themselves most of the time, almost any Berliner will be willing to help you in almost any situation - to an extent, of course.

The lingo shouldn't be a problem either. It'd be a good idea to at least learn a few phrases like Hallo! and Tschüss! (Eng: Bye!, pronounced like "shoes") so you don't come across as just another total lazy, ass tourist, but generally there seems to be a slice of English on everyone's plate. Bask in the knowledge that those Spanish lessons you enjoyed skipping left you with one, tiny language whilst Franz, the waiter making a living off bringing you drinks, can speak more languages than a Rosetta Stone bonus CD. Nevertheless, just smile and speak English; ignorance is what we do best.

You weren't expecting anything else in this section really, were you?

Relax, Enjoy, Complain, Go to Tenefire Next Year Instead

I can't say it's true but the new free market on the East side is clearly booming.

With a record low -18 degrees reached last December, why not enjoy your time freezing to death in the North East of Germany? Berlin, after all, is the capital. It has an old wall which some people tried to get over, some pretty hefty buildings which an Austrian bloke lived in and more tourist attractions than Disney World Orlando on speed. There's nowhere else quite like Berlin.

Book your ticket now for the chance of a lifetime. The beauty of this concrete jungle truly is unforgetable and the history which haunts its streets gives it a unique feel not offered in any other city - other than Chernobyl, they're still finding things hard to move on from. With this intensive, ultimate guide in hand, perhaps its about time you said "Fuck off!" to Butlins this year and "Hell yeah!" to post-Nazi modernism! Toll!

Written by Leon Kohlemann